I Hired My Sister....OH THE HUMANITY!

It's true! I knew I was going to be a writer at the ripe age of two. So I made a few calls and figured out how babies were made. It was difficult talking the stork into letting me pick out my own baby sister but I was a smooth talker in those days. From October of 1991 onward, I trained her. It seems to be paying off too since basically only her friends have bought my book.

So now the world knows the secret of my little sister, Rissa. She's actually a hired professional. I've been keeping this a secret for twenty years but I cannot continue with the lie. I'm sorry everyone. I think I may have to return her now. Or does this void the thirty year warranty?

New Directions

I finally did the thing that I was so certain I wouldn't do. I used Lulu and published my book my own damn self! (Hold your applause all....none of you.) I got fed up with leaving my destiny in the hands of agents with dollar signs in their eyes (not a fair generalization but this is my blog!), took out a small loan from my grandparents and took off.

I would be remiss if I didn't take a moment to say how great Lulu is. I was completely in control of my project the whole time, in touch with my "project coordinator" Ken on a fairly regular basis and yet I was able to rely on them for all of the hard stuff.

Of course, no matter how great Lulu was I was still plagued with my inner writer. She's horrible and angsty. She kept trying to convince me that I'd made a big mistake as an artist. She told me that no one would take my book seriously or respect me because I had to publish my book on my own. She kept trying to convince me that I couldn't do this on my own. See? Isn't she a horrible bitch? Then, my proof copy came in the mail. I opened the package and saw the beautiful cover, my decent picture on the back and my name on the front. That was pretty nice. Then I opened the book and saw my words. I almost cried. Suddenly it didn't matter that I published my own book. What mattered was that it was here in hard copy. I may or may not have snuggled it.

My shame and self doubt was renewed when I realized that it was available on Lulu.com but wouldn't be available on Amazon or the like for another month or so. Then I was wondering "Should I tell people or should I wait until it's on Amazon?" So I showed one of my best friends, Philip, that it was available on Lulu and he went NUTS! He was so excited and enthusiastic! Suddenly it didn't matter how I'd published it, just that it was out there and I could get people to see it since all I ever wanted was to share these characters and this story.

I continued fretting, of course. Philip said, "No! No self doubt! Tell that bitch to get out of here!"

"But," I said, "it makes things easier. See, it lowers my expectations.

"No," Philip insisted. "You should have high expectations."

"But this way I can see that I've sold four copies of my book and, instead of crying, say 'Hooray! That's twice what I thought I'd sell!' Then I skip away."

Philip paused. "I see no flaw to this logic. Doubt away!"

Then I told everyone in the world (okay, all of my facebook friends) about my book. People were all kinds of supportive telling me how awesome it is but they can't afford to buy a book right now (blah blah blah! LIARS! lol). Of course, despite the fact that I didn't buy a publicity package I have....a publicity system. My friend Philip, sister Rissa, cousin Jenelle, aunt Lauria and mother (LaDonna, since they all got their names) all began advertising my book like my own PR firm. Then two of my sister's friends, Hugo and Ryan, also posted the link to my book. My grandparents have possibly e-mailed everyone they know and my aunt Carole (grandfather's sister) has bought copies for people she's been telling about my book. I couldn't have more support if I tried. They are all so awesome.

So now I'm....moderately pumped and I figured I should bring my blog back but send it in a new direction. I can't do this serious thing I've been doing. I'M NOT A SERIOUS PERSON! I am a person who sat in my sister's room just a few hours ago making juvenile jokes about male genitalia. I'm not a grown up. I don't even pretend to be one in life, why should I pretend that much on a blog that nobody reads?!?! I mean, I know why I did it before. I was looking for an agent. Well the hell with that! I choose not to care anymore.

I say good day! (or good night as the case may be.)