I sent off another batch of queries today. The unpleasant taste of the envelopes' adhesive is still in my mouth. It's just one of those tastes you can't quite get rid of. I'm not certain if it's good or sad that I've become a pro at sending these things out. I mean, it's become like a ritual.
I go through lists of agents who cover fantasy novels, excluding only those who have already excluded something about me. I print out labels for both the envelopes I send and the SASE enclosed in them. Then I go through the arduous task of personalizing the queries and printing out things like the synopsis at home. My printer is...old, to put it kindly, so anything longer than ten pages I have to get printed at Kinko's. I go to Kinko's where they proceed to ask me the EXACT same questions they have before.
"What is this? A novel?"
"Are you sending the whole thing?"
"Why would they want only part? That's stupid."
I smile and talk to them while my insides are turning. I always have that moment while I'm listening to the whir of the printers. I wonder if one of these queries will be THE ONE. You know? Then my fears go one of two ways. One is the fear that no one will ever want my work and I'll be stuck making these trips to Kinko's forever. The other is the fear that someone will actually want to take me on as a client. That would mean sharing my work with a stranger and eventually putting it out there in the world. I know...this is what I'm working toward, but what if people don't like what they see?
Then I calm down and remember that there are so many AWFUL books out there so my book might be just terrible enough to join their ranks. I think that the minute I'm holding the warm copies and paying is when I feel calm again. There's something so calming about paper fresh from the printer. I say goodbye to the Kinko's employees and make my way to the mail bank where I pack my envelopes and ship them. Then, every time, I go to the comic book store to feel more at home.
I go through this process every time.
It's like I'm stuck in a loop.
The definition of insanity is performing the same task over and over again and expecting a different result. Is this insanity? Or would that just be applicable if I was sending queries to the same agents?
Either which way I'm going mad. MAD I TELL YOU!